So recently Mira has decided that bedtime isn't for her. We have a routine that we try to follow to help things along. First off, she is still in our room. She will probably be moving to the nursery soon but for now she is in the Pack n' Play about 2 feet from my head. I'm sure there are those who would disagree with the fact that my 8 month old still sleeps in my room. I have recently started to be ok ignoring all those people because frankly, we gotta do what works for us and Mira has 2 parents, neither of which is you. I think most moms can agree with that sentiment.
Ok, to the routine. She usually gets a nice, full, 6-oz bottle first. She never eats this much during the day, but apparently she is starving by the time we go to bed so she sucks that thing down in 2 minutes flat. Then we cuddle and read a book. Usually it ends up being one of the "If You Give A" books. Her favorite is "If You Give a Pig a Party", mostly because there is a page where we have to find all the animals and I make a big deal out of it. More than likely, she has no preference for that particular book but since I like it, I've decided she does to. So after we read we call in Papi (aka, Jonny) and we turn off the light and say our prayers. When I first started doing prayer with her, I felt like a complete idiot. I would mumble something about thanks for stuff and keep us safe and then quickly say Amen. I don't pray out loud, like ever, so it was definitely a learning process. When I was little my prayer in my head included keeping everyone in the world alive tonight and making sure I don't wet the bed, so I was never really an ace at it but I like to think that I've improved slightly over the years....at least I don't have to worry about wetting the bed....much. So we say our prayer and we say goodnight. I give her a kiss, Papi gives her a kiss, and that's that.....
2 minutes later the screaming starts. At first its a "Hey, so I don't want to be in here anymore, kindly remove me from my current location" whine. It's that cranky noise that is manageable but foreshadows doom. This soon transforms into the fake cry. Sometimes the fake cry gets so ridiculous that I start laughing which only causes the fake cry to increase in volume. There are no tears here, it's not real pain or sorrow, it's straight up manipulation. It should probably concern me that my 8 month old is so devious, but with me as a mother it's really not a surprise. Next step is the talk-crying. Mira has a very limited "recognized" vocabulary. She has said "Hi" twice and just this morning said "Papi" for the first time. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't talk. When fully awake and happy, she has full blown conversations with me, the cat, the couch, all involving words of her own design. Mostly it's "Bababababa abu huhuhuhu papapapapapa eeeeeee" which I've decided means "Mommy, you are the most beautiful lady in the world. No one will ever notice your love handles." When the talk-crying starts, she uses every "word" she knows. It's completely pitiful. This is usually the point when I give up and hold her and rock her to sleep. Mind you this whole thing has only lasted about 5 minutes at this point.
The other night I decided to try to ignore her. She was tired and I expected her to wear herself out pretty quickly. Oh was I wrong.
The talk-crying evolved into full on torturous screaming. I've tried to explain to others what this level of crying does to me, both physically and mentally. The only thing I can compare it to is when you are sitting in your house, minding your own business, and your smoke detector goes off. Pure panic. You start running around like a crazy person trying to figure out which one is going off. Once you find the culprit, you frantically wave your hands around trying to disperse any possible smoke particles that must have set it off even though more than likely it is because you let the dang battery run out or the electricity went out for a minute and set it off or something else completely not fire related. When you finally get the thing to turn off, you are exhausted. I've taken a nap after a similar incident because it was just too taxing. The funniest part is, I never thought to search for the fire. I was so focused on getting the loud blaring to stop that I completely ignored the possible cause. It's exactly the same when Mira cries at night. The big picture stops being important. I suddenly don't care about whether she will ever be able to put herself to sleep. It seems totally reasonable for me to follow her to college and rock her to sleep every night in her dorm room because WHATEVER!!! MAKE HER FEEL BETTER NOW!!!!
I think some parents are made for the "cry it out" method with their children. I also don't think I am one of them. I'm currently pursuing a different method that a friend recommended and we will see how it goes. It may totally bomb and we may be right back in this situation of me sitting in the bathtub with the fan on so I can't hear her crying while Jonny keeps watch. Or maybe it will totally work for us. Along with the realization that you can ignore the 1000 words of advice you get from everyone you know, you can also carve your own path when it comes to parenting. I'm pretty sure if you walked into a 3rd grade classroom and looked at all the kids, you wouldn't see a child paralyzed with fear, sitting in the corner, eating paste, all because their parent decided to rock them to sleep at night. I'm also sure you wouldn't see children feeling dramatically depressed and unloved, laying on the floor contemplating their existence because their parents decided to let them cry it out. While there is going to be underlying effects to everything you do with your children, I feel like we all usually make it to the same general place in the end. Do I think it's nice that people share their experiences and words of wisdom with me? Of course. Can I take pieces and parts and go my own way? Absolutely. Does that mean that I am not completely scared out of my mind that I will do something wrong? HAHAHAHAHA of course not. Because I worry, that's what moms do. But hopefully, just maybe, things will work out.
P.S. Mira naps in her crib like a champ, which is how I'm writing this. She just woke up though and is doing what she does every time, STARING at the monitor until I go get her. It's pretty hysterical.
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