Things I Will Never Do: Toddler Edition

When I imagined myself as a mother when I was still a teenager/in my early 20's I had a lot of plans and opinions about how things would work. Though I never sat down and wrote a list (though that may be a lie, I may very well have done that and forgotten about it), I definitely had a mental list of my future mom rules that I would follow no matter what. I realized recently how incredibly foolish this was as one cannot begin to understand motherhood until you are right in the middle of the fire with chewed up food in one hand and a screaming child in the other.

This is especially true for being the parent of a toddler. I'm pretty sure none of my plans have come to fruition, but just for kicks and giggles, I have compared my list of "rules" to the actual reality of being a parent to a toddler. Obviously these don't apply to all toddlers, because they are all different, they are like unique snowflakes....crazy, loud, messy snowflakes that want to do things by themselves but also want you to do everything and expect you to know which of those they prefer at any given moment. No judging allowed....

1. My child will never throw fits in public, because the first time they do it I will just walk away and they will realize that the fit is futile and come over to me immediately to apologize.

This does not work with Mira, at all. She will follow you around the store, screaming her head off and pulling random items from the shelves and throwing them to the ground. While in California a bit ago, I marched out of a pet shop with her flailing and screaming, laying horizontally in my arms, all because I would not let her lick a cat toy she was playing with. 

2. I will never let my child watch TV on a tablet when we are out in public, and especially not at the table at a restaurant.

Yeah, well, sometimes I am actually hungry and would like to eat instead of picking up the following items from the floor 1000 times: forks, spoons, salt shakers, crayons, bowls of salsa, fake flowers in vases, my keys, and oh my gosh so many pacifiers. 

3. I will never use bribery to get my child to behave.

"Come sit down, I will give you a cookie"- A thing I actually uttered while at a park the other day. This isn't something I'm proud of and not something I plan to do in the future, but will most likely end up doing anyway. 

4. I potty trained eleven 2-year-olds at one time while teaching, potty training my own child will be a breeze.

I just removed a baguette-sized poop from the bathtub with my bare hands.  

5. My kid will have a strict bedtime, and it will be early enough that I can have plenty of time afterwards to do whatever I want.

I actually really like my kid, and sometimes what I want to do is hang out with her after 7:30pm. Last night she was in an extra awesome mood and so we hung out in the living room for a while, just chatting and playing as a family. Contrary to popular belief, your child will not die if they stay up past bedtime a few times. 

6. I will never be that parent in the airplane with the screaming child, obviously they are just lazy and aren't meeting their child's needs.

Nope, nope, double nope. Sometimes their "needs" are to get the heck off the plane immediately. Which is a little difficult to do when you are 30,000ft above the ground. Most of the time this isn't an issue for us, but the last flight we were on was super "special"....

7. I won't be one of those parents that gets annoyed with their kid.

I love my kid, I love her so much. But sometimes I do NOT like her. Sometimes when her father gets home I pass her over to him and lock myself in the bathroom and turn the fan on so I can't hear her.

8. My child will not be naughty, obviously I will be a better parent than that.

I always assumed that parents with crazy kids must have screwed up somewhere. Those kids must have learned that behavior somewhere, right? I have since learned that children do not come out as perfect angels and you ruin them, they come out as tiny monsters that you have to tame. I'm ashamed that I was a judgey pre-mom, because now I see other moms with screaming children and all I want to do is give those moms a hug, because I feel ya sister. We must band together with our mom buns and stained shirts, and uplift each other in the face of the tiny humans. 

9. My child will always be friendly and happy because she will have all her needs met and that's all it takes!

My toddler is like that cat you can pet exactly 6 times. If you pet it 7 times it will claw your eyes out. Except sometimes it's 5 times, not 6...or maybe she wants to cuddle all day except for at 1pm and then she doesn't like you. Also she will decide on a daily basis who she wants to be held by. Sometimes she walks up to complete strangers and starts a conversation, sometimes I am the only person in the world who is allowed to acknowledge her. She can be fed, hydrated, well rested, warm, and entertained, and yet still angry at life in general. We call this Diva Mode, it technically has levels ranging from 1-10....but lets be honest, she's either not in Diva Mode or she's in Diva Mode Level 8 and up. 

10. I have so much experience with children from teaching, there won't be any surprises when I have my own kid, especially when she's a toddler and a 4 year old (my classes as a teacher).

Hahahahaaaaaaa. I learn something new every day. Some things are pretty general things (crayon is really hard to get out of your white bedsheets) and some are specific to Mira. My favorite Mira-specific things are as follows: She will eat a sandwich all by herself, but quesadillas must be torn into tiny pieces. She must turn her pacifier in a circle at least once every 20 seconds. She usually poops on the potty halfway through the second book we read after she sits down. She must give all visitors or new people a gift of some sort, like a pillow from our couch or a crayon. And my absolute favorite: if she can't find something she will give you an imaginary item that she "picks up" from the floor and puts in your hand. 

In conclusion: Toddlers are weird, and are continually changing their minds about everything. If you accept that you will never really have the hang of parenting a toddler, you may survive this stage with your sanity still intact. Now I'm off to watch Peg + Cat and cuddle on the couch with my tiny human, or maybe we will end up stacking cat food cans and eating pretzels, because you never really know what the day holds, let alone what next week will look like.

Oh, and here is us trying to take a cute picture together this morning....because toddlers....