Epic Motherhood

207 days ago, I became a mother.

I woke up around 8am that morning. This phenomenon should have tipped me off immediately since I had been rolling out of bed around 10am for the past month of being the roundest person alive. Jonny (the husband) hadn't left for work yet so I threw on my old lady robe and waddled into the kitchen to say hello. He kindly offered me some oatmeal that I accepted only because I was planning on stuffing my face at lunch that day, so a small breakfast was probably the smart choice. Around 9am I started to feel the now familiar gut punch of contractions. This wasn't anything new as I had been experiencing Braxton Hicks (or as Jonny called them, Toni Braxton Hicks) for a few weeks. I was half joking as I yelled a warning to Jonny as he left for work: "Having some contractions, I'll call you if I randomly go into labor." I sat down on the couch to watch House MD and shovel the oatmeal into my mouth. Yes, this was my routine during those last weeks of pregnancy. I would say I was ashamed of my complete laziness, but I was too tired and cranky to be ashamed. There is a point towards the end of those 9 months (which is really 10 months FYI, we've been lied to our whole lives) that you become unable to function like a normal human being and transition into turtle mode. You are slow moving, you walk funny, and you can't get up if you lay down on your back so you just flail your limbs around until some kind soul takes pity on you and helps you out.

Anyway, back to the couch. So I'm sitting there and I realize that I have been having contractions through 2 episodes now and they are about 5 minutes apart. So I called my midwife to update her, thinking she would tell me to slow my roll and just relax and that surely this wasn't labor. To my great surprise, I was told to head to the hospital because it sounded like I was in fact in labor. After I hung up the phone I sat there for a few minutes before I shot both hands into the air and yelled "YES!". I called Jonny and told him to get his butt back home. Then I called my mother and told her to head over and help me get all of my carefully packed items together....yeah ok so I thought I had everything ready but then I spent 20 minutes grabbing random things and throwing them into the bag. Mom came and we decided to have Jonny meet us at the hospital and off we went. He met us in the parking lot and up we went to Labor and Delivery.

As I walked in with my ridiculously huge belly, everyone smiled at me because obviously I was there to have myself a baby. I checked in, got a room, and stripped down to change into my very stylish hospital gown. I was so excited. I checked out the shower and was so happy that I got Jonny a new swimsuit so he could sit with me in the shower while I labored in there, because that was a part of the EPIC BIRTH PLAN! It was 3 pages, and was very detailed. I was going to labor naturally until I got to 5cm and then I would get an epidural. I would spend that early laboring walking the halls and sitting in the fancy laboring shower. I would push slowly so I wouldn't tear and I didn't want to see the placenta (my midwife told me she was going to make me look at it). Jonny would be by my head, and my mother and mother-in-law would hold my legs. Jonny would cut the cord, but if he decided last minute that it was too gross, my mom would get to do it. I had everything planned out, it was going to be magical.

Well, it all started off nicely. They checked my cervix (FYI: ouch) and I was only at 1cm but I had only been laboring for a few hours and the contractions weren't really that strong. I walked the halls for a while and my midwife, Jeanean, came to check on us. "Sounds like you will have a baby by tomorrow!" she said. YES! This was happening! I had secretly been terrified that I was making the whole thing up and that I would get to the hospital and they would say "yeah, no, you have another 20 weeks to go" and then I would go home and eat an entire box of Poptarts and cry. After walking for a bit longer, we went back to the room and I got checked out. Still at 1cm. Um, ok, well the contractions were starting to get a little stronger so what was the deal here? By this time it was close to 3pm and it was looking like maybe it was going to take a while. They started talking about me going home to labor for the evening and coming in when things got a little more crazy. Before they would let me go though they told me I needed to drink some water and get some fluids because my blood pressure was slightly wonky. So I drank the water and we talked about going out for Thai food since I hadn't eaten since 9am and it sounded like it was going to be a long night.

Apparently, baby had different plans. They noticed that her heart rate was pretty high and then would drop when I had a contraction. They didn't know if she was just excited and then would go back to normal during contractions, or if she was dropping during contractions and was in distress. They said they wanted me to stay for a little bit longer just so they could monitor her for a bit and then I could go have my Thai food. So we waited, and my contractions got stronger. Still bearable, but definitely stronger.

Jeanean came back and checked my cervix again. Still 1cm. But when she pulled her hand up, it was covered in blood. Ok, is that bad? Well, it wasn't good and it was decided that I definitely wasn't going home. Bye Bye Pad See Ewe, maybe next week. They were also not happy about baby's heart rate still so they decided to do an ultrasound and check her out. By this time we had called Jonny's mom and told her she probably should head on down to the hospital. She showed up right as the ultrasound techs came in. This was about 5:30-5:45pm and my contractions had reached a decent level of painfulness. The ultrasound check they did was a 30 minute long one where they check 4 different areas (like movement and amount of amniotic fluid) and give you a score. The score determines what they do next.

So began the most painful 30 minutes I've experienced so far. They told me to lay on my back and keep perfectly still. Contractions were at about 3 minutes apart at this point and my new position turned them into back contractions.....no bueno friends, super painful. So first check was the amniotic fluid. It was super low and they had a hard time finding enough to even measure. To my knowledge my water hadn't broken yet so this wasn't super awesome news. Then they checked movement. Let me tell you something, I started feeling this baby move at 18 weeks and she NEVER stopped. The last 2 months were like having a dancing watermelon in my guts with the occasional super kick that would stick out 3 inches from my belly. Surely she would pass this portion with flying colors. WRONG. Maybe she was napping? Whatever it was, that baby didn't move one bit for the whole 30 minutes.

So then there was 2 choices. I could labor for another 20 hours (that was the estimate) and hope that everything was ok in there, or I could go have a c-section and have a baby in 10 minutes and know for sure she was ok. C-section it is! My mother and mother-in-law rushed over and started hugging me and crying. I was confused because all I could think was "getting the baby out, stopping these awful contractions, everything will be awesome". But apparently surgery is scary for the people who have to wait outside. Jonny was also scared but he totally rocked the calm and cool husband role. He got a fancy blue version of the Breaking Bad jumpsuit complete with booties and a face mask. About 10 minutes later a tribe of nurses came into the room and started prepping equipment and having me sign papers. Then the anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself. While I'm chatting with this man that I just met, a nurse asks me if she can start prepping me. Sure! Whatever that means....well I'll tell you what it means, it means flipping my gown up and shaving my lady bits in front of everyone, including this dude that's standing right next to me. Also, she must have been using a 100 year old razor because it just have caught on every single hair. Not cool, but necessary.

Then it was time. The mothers gave us hugs and took pictures with us and then to the OR we went. Jonny had to wait in another room until I was numb and strapped down so I walked into the OR by myself. It was very white and very clean and they asked me to go ahead and sit on the table. Right then, HORRIFIC contraction hits me. I grabbed a pole (I'm sure it was important, but who cares?) and made a noise that I can only describe as Dory speaking whale. Luckily, it only lasted a minute or so and I was able to get up on the table and into the go position for having my spinal. Unfortunately there was just enough time to sneak in another contraction before we could get the needle in. Jeanean was there for this one and she hugged me like a mama bear and told me that this was the last contraction I would have. Thank you Lord because it was the worst one of the day.

In went the needle and within minutes everything below my ribs was completely numb. They put a curtain up between my head and my belly and Jonny was allowed to come in. He sat next to me and we joked a little as I felt the weirdest feeling ever. Imagine someone pulling all of your guts out and you can feel it sort of but it doesn't hurt at all. A few minutes later they said "You have the camera daddy?" What? A camera? We can have a camera in the OR? Um, not we don't have a camera. So a nurse ran to our room and asked for a camera. She came back with my phone (which Jonny took) and my mother-in-law's like $5000 camera. Um, yeah, please don't drop that. Ok thanks.

Jonny had just enough time to snap a few shots of my wide open body cavity and then I heard her cry. She sounded like an old lady with a gravely grumble to her scream. It was awesome. Jonny said "She's so BIG!" and I was sure that a 10lb baby had just been pulled from me. Jeanean walked her around so I could see her and there she was. She wasn't that big, she was just right. She was crying and was completely covered in blood but she was perfect. They rushed her over to the NICU team who was there just in case, and Jonny headed over to take video and pictures while they checked her and cleaned her.

Suddenly I felt super awkward. My midwife and a doctor from her office where sewing me back together and I was just chilling there behind the curtain all by myself. So I blurted out "How do my guts look?". "Beautiful" Jeanean laughed. It took longer to sew me up than it did to cut me open and it took them a while to clean up the baby so I laid there and thought about random things. Jonny came back over and said "she pooped in the nurses hand". Nice kid, you make me proud. She apparently was in distress at some point because we found out that she also had pooped inside so it was a relief to have her out and getting checked. She was great, 7lbs. 13oz. 20.5 inches long. FINALLY they brought her over to me. I had stated in my OH SO USEFUL birth plan that I wanted to do skin-to-skin immediately so they flipped my gown down (yeah well, everyone had already seen my lady parts so my boobs were no big deal at this point) and laid her on my chest. She was so awesome. I cried, Jonny cried, she just stared at me. I felt all the feels all at the same time. It was simultaneously the most incredible and the most terrifying moment of my life. There she was, the dancing watermelon, in real life.

Being a mommy has been completely different than I could have ever expected. I've felt the full spectrum of emotions and have learned oh so very much about myself, motherhood, and life in general. I hope that the stories of the epic journey of motherhood and thoughts that I share on this blog will be entertaining, helpful, and educational, but most of all I hope that they will make you smile when you need it the most, or cry when you haven't had a good one in ages.

The following posts are my account of being a mother to a very special baby named Mira Gabriela and the adventures we go on together.