Baby Cheese and 9 Other Things

People give you a lot of info and advice before you have kids. They tell you what to buy and what to not buy, how to deal with practical situations and what will happen during each month of their life. They give you advice when you want and, and seem to never shut up when you don't want it. So it's amazing there are always things that people forget to mention. Lucky for you, I'm here to fill in the gaps. I present to you 10 shocking things about babies you should know:

1. When they come out they don't look like you or your spouse, they look like a slimy potato. Everyone pretends that bran new babies are adorable, that when they are squeezed out or pulled out, that there is some bubble around them that protects them from the process. But the truth is, birth is not just hard on mom, but also on the tiny human. They have been living in fluid for the last 40 weeks and their skin has never been touched by air. They either were pushed out of a very small canal over a number of hours or were suddenly pulled from their home into a blindingly bright room with a bunch of masked people staring at them. Not really a luxury first class seat on their trip into the world. So when they come out swollen, looking like a boxer in the 7th round, and a new mom is under the false impression that babies come out looking like movie stars, it's quite a shock and may even stress a lady out. So let's be honest people, it's not pretty at first, and that's ok! The swelling will go down and you will start to actually recognize your features in their face, but let's all accept the potato phase and embrace it.

2. They make cheese. Babies, even skinny babies, have crevices. The chubbier they get, the more crevices they possess. Babies are also the sloppiest eaters of all time. They dribble, they spit, they drool, and because of the magical forces of gravity, all that extra milk ends up pooled in those precious little crevices. And then, because science, this milk turns into something amazing. By amazing, I mean the most foul smelling paste you've ever encountered. The craziest part is that you don't smell it or notice it until you lift the adorable folds of fat in your baby's sweet neck and then it's like releasing the kracken. Don't ever underestimate the cheese, and never skip bath time.

3. Boys aren't the only ones that can pee long distances. My daughter has soaked me on numerous occasions. My husband tells me to use the changing mat, but REALLY, who has time to pull that thing out. Our trade off is, I don't have to use it every time, and in return he gets to say "I told you so" whenever he comes home to a 3 foot wide pee spot on the couch. That's another thing, don't let the size of their tiny little bladders fool you. They are capable of storing at least 10 gallons of urine in their bodies. They also will not always release it all at once but will wait until you have a bran new clean diaper under their butts or, even better, until you are digging in the diaper bag for a new one and have foolishly left them naked for 1 millisecond too long. If you are one of those people that will gross out if pee gets on you, parenthood will smack that right out of you. As for me, if she pees on my pants I usually shrug and go about my day because frankly, I will probably pee my pants a little at some point from sneezing or jumping too high so there's that. 

4. Just because their eyes are open, doesn't mean they are awake. Mira has popped her eyes open during a nap and looked straight at me, all the while continuing her rhythmic breathing of deep sleep. It is the creepiest thing of all time, but you get used to it. I know a lot of babies sleep with one eye open (....Metallica song stuck in my head for the rest of the day....) so at least she usually has them both shut for the majority of her resting hours because I am too anal to allow such shenanigans. 

5. Toys are nice, but NOT toys are way better. We have a ridiculous amount of baby toys that we were gifted or specially picked out for Mira. They are adorable and make cute noises. They are designed for her exact age and have specific colors that stimulate her brain. But if given the choice between her age appropriate name brand baby toy and an empty water bottle, the bottle wins every time. Her bin of current favorite toys includes a gift certificate tin, a baby shoe, bottle lids, small tupperware, and of course many empty water bottles. She spent 5 minutes at a sushi place last night attacking the menu and when I put a colorful toy on top of it to distract her, she looked me straight in the eye and flung the toy out of her way so she could continue her menu endeavor. So if you are shopping for a baby shower, go no further than your recycling bin.  

6. Sometimes, you bump your baby's head on things. You obviously try your best not to. You certainly don't do it on purpose. But inevitably that tiny cranium will find it's way into a door frame at some point. Mira doesn't even react anymore when I bump the top of her head on the ceiling of the car when I'm putting her in her car seat, and I don't know how I feel about that.  Luckily she won't remember any of it....unless she reads this blog someday....dang it.

7. Poop. No matter what you think you know, you don't know the half of it. I'd go into detail, but some things are indescribable.

8. Babies have perfect timing. You woke up on time and actually took a shower. By some miracle, you were able to do both your hair and make-up and are dressed in a moderately cute outfit. You dress your baby in their most awesome outfit and make it out of the house before lunch. You are feeling awesome. While you are out you bump into an old friend who hasn't met the baby yet. Awesome! Your friend picks up your baby and cuddles them close. And then your precious bundle farts the loudest adult man fart you have ever heard. This happens to us often. Most often while the dermatologist is about 2 inches away from Mira's face. It simultaneously fills me with embarrassment and a strange sense of pride.

9. You will wear a bag if it means getting a cute outfit for your baby. This might just be me. I've never really enjoyed shopping and have clothes in my closet that I purchased in 2004. But I still occasionally like to go out and grab a few pretty things for myself. Not anymore. If I have any extra money lying about that could potentially score me a cute skirt or top, instead I scurry off to Carter's to browse their newest items. It's like a drug habit. I can't walk through a department store without accidentally walking straight to the baby section and seeing if anything looks good. In my defense, I usually wait for sales and often shop at the consignment stores, but the addiction remains. Most of the time I go out, I look like a homeless person or like I just got out of bed, but Mira looks like a fashion model with matching headband, socks, and useless baby shoes.

10. BFFs forever. I don't know how it happened, considering my child has no vocabulary and doesn't have any clothes I can borrow, but somehow she is my best friend. I wake up in the morning and all I want to do is lay in bed with her and talk about what we are going to do that day. I spend almost every waking moment with this child and when I leave her, I start to miss her right after I kiss her goodbye. She's actually on a walk with my husband right now and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy hanging with friends or going out with my husband on a date, but I'm never sad to head home to that adorable little pea head. This was certainly something I didn't expect to happen. I knew I would love this child, but no one told me that I would 100% like her and her incredible personality. It's pretty cool.

Today the family took advantage of the beautiful weather and we had a dinner picnic in the backyard. I suddenly had the urge to grab my big camera and snap some of the fun. Below are a few of my favorites (yes I had a lot of favorites).

SuperBaby

This is her new thing. She lifts her chest up really high and then gets about an inch off the ground up on her knees.