I Wanna Hold Your Hand

When I was 14, I had my first real boyfriend. Technically I had "dated" a boy at camp the summer before but it lasted 2 days and we just stood awkwardly next to each other when our horses were drinking water. When he said he was looking forward to seeing me in a dress for camp church, I decided he must be a creeper and broke it off by telling someone else to tell his friend to tell him it was over. I cried profusely for no reason at all, it was very teen angst. But when I was a freshman in high school, I started dating a junior that was in the school play with me. We dated for only a few months, but I remember a very important moment for me. Most people think about their first kiss (which was also with this boy and was actually an accident when 2 cheek kisses collided) but my most distinct memory is that first time holding hands. Yeah, it's childish, but let's face it, most of us are children the first time we experience it and at the time it's the biggest dang deal ever. Back then it was a way to show others that you were "together" and at a Seventh-Day Adventist high school, it was the highest level of PDA allowed in front of teachers.

As I grew older hand holding changed. As an older teen trying to act sexy, I would hold a boys hand and lightly tickle knuckles with my finger tips. This was a trick that Cosmo or Teen Beat or
some other magazine with 100 pictures of N'sync told me to do to show "my man" that I was into him. I die  laughing when I think about this because I am NOT a sexy person at all and I certainly wasn't having sex in high school. I was awkward, clumsy, and not exactly up on the current fashions. I was an art nerd and had horrible self esteem. Hand holding was me trying to get validation from my current boyfriend that I was attractive. Unfortunately, the one time I tried the seductive hand hold, my boyfriend called me out about it and make me feel embarrassed. Thanks dude, that's what a teen girl needs.

Oh high school, how I do not miss thee....

As a married woman, hand holding has 2 major functions. The first is for me and Jonny to show that young flirty affection for each other that we have been cultivating over the years. I want to be one of those couples that is 70 and only using one hand on our walkers because the other one is busy being held. I never want to lose that feeling and I love the fact that I still get butterflies when Jonny reaches for my hand. The second kind of hand hold is the "I got you, you're safe." This is the hold you use when you are walking through a scary part of town or when you are around relatives who make you highly uncomfortable. It's the hold Jonny used during our ultrasound with the specialist when we learned Mira had Dandy Walker. He also used it when I was in labor (though really, that may have been more of a death grip on my part). It's not always a protector and a protected situation, but most of the time it's a mutual sign of supporting each other and being equal sides to lean on.

When Mira was born, I discovered the best hand hold of all. The "I need you". It starts pretty early with the first reflexive grasps of a newborn looking for food from mom. In the animal world, apes use the grasping reflex to hold tight to their mothers so they don't fall when they are up in the trees. As Mira grew, she got more deliberate about it. It was still semi-reflexive but she would look into my eyes with those soul piercers she's got and my heart would explode into a 100 pieces. Now she reaches out to me, grabs my hand and pulls it to her face. She cuddles with it and hides her face in it. When she was in the hospital when we found out she had PHACES syndrome, I held her hand while they pulled out her IVs and took her blood pressure and pricked her toes 6 times a day. It was the only way I could be there for her during a time when we all were scared and worried about the future. Now, she will fuss in the car seat when she's tired until I reach back and give her my hand so she can wrap her tiny fingers around my thumb. My arm with cramp up and my shoulder will ache, but there is no way I am pulling away from those amazing fingers. It is the most wonderful hand holding experience I've ever had and I can't even describe the love that flows from my thumb throughout my entire body.

(Don't worry, we were in the driveway)

There will be a day when Mira will refuse my hand. Maybe she will be too old, or it won't be cool to do it in front of her friends, or (kill me now) she will hold hands with someone she loves and won't have time to hold mine anymore. But for now, I will never refuse that hand. I will hold on to it as tight as I can and bask in the amazing miracle that her tiny hand represents.